Hello. It’s been ages since I last wrote anything. There have been lots of thoughts and ideas tumbling around in my head. I have started many blogs, I even recorded a few sentences, and nothing inspired me enough to write about them. That seems to be a theme in my life now. So many great ideas, and yet they seem to dissolve into nothingness. Which got me inspired again to write this today. No-thing-ness. What does that even mean!?
I looked it up; that’s what we do right when we need to know what something means, relying on a digital source outside of ourselves, bizarre that. These are the meanings that stood out for me from my search.
the quality or state of being nothing: nonexistence, utter insignificance, death, valueless, voi
The question is am I alone in this feeling of No-thing-ness, in this void, this insignificance
Personally, I believe we all arrive at this point at various junctures in our life, those major turning points. It is a place I recognize, it feels familiar and yet different at the same time. I can now in hindsight pinpoint when and identify the events that led up to these periods where I reached the breaking point. I almost always felt so close to the point of giving up as I did not have the strength to continue along the path, or so it seemed, I lacked the energy to push through and make the breakthrough. So close and yet so far. Sometimes I had some divine intervention when I received a second breath and other times I would ignore the intervention and see it as meddling and interfering in my life. I would really give up, destroy or run away from love and relationships, hide from friends, and treat myself with no respect whatsoever. My work always carried me through. As I have moved further along my healing journey these bouts of self-destroying elements became less severe, as I have been able to recognize the need to run or hurt myself and accept the helping hand when it is reached out, it does not make it easier though does it?
If you are feeling this way, I urge you to reach out to others and talk it out, find a professional or trauma practitioner like myself, to hold the space for you while the feelings move through you, write it, draw it, shout it in the wind, sit with it, and know that NOTHING is permanent, including no-thing-ness. That’s the joke our mind plays on us, we truly believe everything is permanent on the subconscious level and struggle our whole lives to accept that it isn’t.
There have been times when my behaviour may have looked as if I was running away from others, or more appropriately put, running away from myself, however, I felt totally in control of my no-thing-ness which always translated into aloneness, sadness, sadistic behaviour, self-loathing, resentment, grief, and isolation. They are synonymous with no-thingness in my opinion. It did not matter I was in control!
Today this no-thing-ness feels like I am preparing to go on a journey, another chosen opportunity, a soul nudge, to release and surrender more than I have already.
Surrender to what is rather than this obsessive need to control or change it out of fear. Fear has had the reigns long enough. A more truthful, heartfelt way to say that would be to finally stop running from me.
How? Well therein lies the opportunity for us all to find the individual creative outlet to do so. I personally am allowing myself the space to be and feel it through today, not to reach out just notice how that feels. Giving myself permission to receive when the gifts of healing present themselves. This is a gift from my soul saying “here you are let’s sit with how you are feeling”, acknowledge, embrace it and then surrender to the healing moment as the feeling becomes the no-thing-ness and releases.
May your journey be one of beauty and surrender. Find the space for yourselves to expand your energy and fill any spaces left open after the release with loving energy before the space can become anything less.
Much Love along your journey
From my heart to yours.